Dayz

(((Yawning...slipping on spilt beer))) Ok, I'm back...As u all know me and my UFO have traveled thru time, woman and places unheard of! I landed a book deal to chronicle my ambitious endeavors and disheveled experiences throughout the unknown Universe! From snorting coke with Steve Jobs to killing Wookie vampire whores it'll all be there! U already know! Ay dios mio! Let's go!

Captains Log:::Star Date: 2012:::

So, after a debacle of a night with some severely less than stellar woman from the planet of Xalatan (please, I'm begging; don’t even ask) I come back home to Brooklyn for a little R&R and I leave my fucking wallet and house key's in another damned dimension! I have no earthly cash and my door is locked with a Centrinian door lock that's not even of this galaxy so there goes the locksmith idea! It's a four day round trip to get back to Xalatan but I'm drunk and tired and I really don't want to see those so-called woman that my homeboy Dayz hooked me up with again. Now that I think about it, I guess it was payback for me linking him up with a chic who I really thought was human by all accounts (snickering)... but once her and Dayz' "relations" started in my UFO we had quickly found out she was none other than the notorious shape-shifting prostitute named Quilee. The legend of Quilee is that she never shows her true nature, that of a Amblovian Slug I might add, until it's chow time, which is every few years, the rest of the time she's just hoeing! In her illustrious career she has respectfully devoured over 100,000 men and woman to date! Well, it was just my boy Dayz' luck I guess, yup it was feeding time and the only thing that stopped his penis and every other vital part of his already disgusting body from being "Dayz a la cart" was him screaming for dear life and me being superbly reactive to such a squeamish outburst! After his bitch-like yelp I quickly gathered myself from my own (ahem) little lady "situation"! Three seconds later, dick and balls swinging, I frantically run down the hallway of my ship with my gun in my hand and my dirty nailed trigger finger mighty itchy! I reluctantly kick open the door for fear of seeing Dayz in a sick compromising position of sorts but somehow I held on to my "lunch"! Although repulsed by the visuals, the sweet spot was gritting my back molars and saying, "Freeze you diseased Rhinoceros pizzle"!!! (One of my favorite lines from Eddie Murphy's Coming to America). I tried the Captain Kirk route and put my Fazer on stun but I said "fuck it, let's make Sushi outta this broad", or...slug, whatever, with my Smith & Wesson-Laser Mamba™ I jacked from the year 3101...sweet! FZZZZZZZ YRUUUUUMMMMPPPPPP! My laser split that woman-thing in ways that would make Iron Chef Morimoto proud! Done and...wait she's still moving, FZZZZZZZ ARRRRRWWWWNNN...(panting)...Ok; now we're done, whew...shit! Well as I see it, it's was just another day for a bug like me and both Dayz and I stood to remember a valuable lesson, and I quote from the infamous words of the classic early 1990's Earth song by B.B.D., "Never trust a Big Butt (or Amblovian Slug) and a Smile! Ahhhh, just telling this story makes me a bit parched, I need a damn drink and somehow I'm awkwardly horny by that tale...wait, what time is it? 4:20 AM. Ha! I hate flying my UFO to Manhattan this time of night, damned Vampires always lurking around but I know this swanky little nest in the L.E.S. (Lower East Side) called Bedpan where the ladies are...ahemwhatever, and drinks are even more gross...HEY, don't judge me I'm just in that mood Ok! We've all been there, or here or, ahhhh you get it! 5000. 

Next Time::: Steve Jobs and I travel through time, space and a few bars to save his marriage and his beloved Apple Empire...trust me, it's going to be a sick debacle...:!

The Incredulous Electronica Jobs

Captain's Log:::Star Date: 2010::

4:25 AM,...a quiet and crispy early summer morning in Brooklyn and I'm hovering in stealth mode over the East River. I let the top down on my UFO to feel the swirling breeze caress my sweating forehead...ahhhhhh, that feels fuckin' incredible, whew. It had been a long night of boozing and space traveling with some friends of mine and I' am completely deprived of nutrients a good nights sleep and my electrolytes. I find an unopened Guinness beer and some left over "Artarian" take out,...I know, I know, but I had to coat my intestinal track with something, it would even be worse for my body if i didn't! Trust me, I've been doing this a long "time". It's 17 hrs. later, me slumped over in the captains chair and still reeking of the other nights debacle... and then it begins!!!

Blip...blip...blurrrrrr (((the sound of my ship's video phone I stole from a Sony Corp. outpost 10 years from now)))! I crack one eye and then the next, yawn and look at who's calling and it's one of my passengers from the other night, none other than Super MC...Jay Electronica! I decided to ignore the phone and get some more "shut eye" and this dude keeps blowing up my phone line. Ok, ok...click "What up Jay, whats good sun! Is everything alright? Electronica says in a crackling concerned voice, "Man...it's Steve Jobs! He's going ape shit about what happened the other night! Wait, have you read the papers?". I say, "Nah, I've been sleep for damn near an entire day, what the fuck happened?" So as Jay starts to tell me the details Jobs chimes in on the video conference and we all converse...

Jobs::(((Screaming)))... "Nigga get up...get the Fuck up!!!" 

Wonders:: I quickly awake and come to my feet and then I respond with...whoa, whoa...WHOA! Nigga are you fuckin' crazy?!!! Jobs don't' you EVER say that shit again or will transport your white ass to an underground Reptilian Maximum Security Prison on the planet Phaladus where they would just..."Looooove" a nerdy billionaire white boy to do some sexual favors for a few of their "homies"! Have you ever seen an erect Reptilian penis? Let's just say You will be physically and mentally altered in ways unimaginable my friend! Now tell me what happened muthafucka'!

Jobs:: Sorry man, it's the coke...it's everything dude, I'm fucked and I need your help! Ok, so listen... when me you and Jay went to that damned planet you took us to I had a prototype of the new iPhone in my pocket and somehow, well not exactly "somehow", (I was high and drunk as shit) on our way back I dropped the damned phone at that little bar back on Earth! Well, some douche bag takes the phone sells it to some other douche bag who so happens to be some gizmo blogging asshole who exposes the new iPhone technology and more importantly the picture's that are on the phone Mr.Wonders!!! Do you remember what's on those photo's sir? Well if you don't, just look on the front page of every god-damned news paper across the planet! 

Jay Electronica:: (Chiming in...snickering) Hey Steve-O, I knew you were a wild boy and the pressures of being probably one of the smartest dudes around has tremendous weight but there is no excuse for getting head from a two headed insectizoid larvae at that "Star Wars Bar" and then take pictures of the scene! You have to be one of the smartest-dumbest dudes in the history of the modern world...no more drugs for you baby! Hahahaha...

I rustle through the Internet and there it is...the running headline reads "JOBS GET'S A "JOB"! Now because of the scandal Jobbers (as he's affectionately called by me and the crew) has lost everything! Mac stock plummets creating a financial avalanche on Wall Street and global markets! In addition to that the wife and kids high-tail it! That's not without his wife on her way out shooting him twice, one in the upper thigh and another in the upper right shoulder!  I fall back into my seat and I start to sweat profusely because I already know what's happening...a nightmare. I can't believe Jobs just pulled a "T.Woods"! 

Jobs says he wants me to take him back in time to get the iPhone to save his marriage and his Mac Empire! My stomach cringes, twists...turns, bubbles and finally back flips. The time traveling is not the hard part it's Steve Jobs, he one of those friends you can only hang out with every now and then because he or she is a "loose cannon"! You know that anytime spent with this person could lead to an overdose, somebody getting shot, being incarcerated or possibly death but they are a ball to hang out with. 

So for time traveling you have to really think it through, for huge events such as this to change things you have to use what we call time replacements! Meaning you cant erase the whole event because that would create a time blurp or bubble and they are immensely hard to put back in order once done and even then time events can get a bit tricky! But, you put other things or props in it's place to hold the time fabric in order. So for this job i decided to use an Akranon cyborg that I had laying around my house to fill the space for Jobs and get things back in some sensible working order of the mess this guy made! 

It's a fairly easy job. The plan: we go back in time and place ourselves 2 minutes after we left the first time to retrieve the iPhone. We'll be in and out in no time. I pack up the cyborg, put my gold teeth in and zip over to the coordinates to a secret location that Jobs gave me since he was in hiding and then...ZOOF, i was gone! In that quick moment half way to the destination it dawned on me I forgot something, well somebody...Jay Electronica! I get Jay on the phone and make a quick u-turn back to Brooklyn. Jay tells me he can't go back in time because he has a house full of Malderian woman from the 18th Galaxy and he didn't want to be rude and abandon his "lady-friends". I said "Well nigga, bring them too,..and some brews, we got work to do homie, save Steve Jobs and Apple. He's going to owe us big for this shit"! Well, we picked up Jobbers, went back in time and instead of using the cyborg we just erased the phone pictures and used this leak of the new Apple technology as the perfect marketing business ploy for the new iPhone that will showcase in July! Simply genius. After a few days of much needed rest Jobs and Jay Electronica call me, I fly over and beam them up for a little drink, and almost immediately Steve starts to cut lines of Peruvian coke! I roll my eye's, sigh and think to myself..."Fuckin' Steve Job's, oh well.. here we go again"!...ZWWWARP!

The Landing!

Damn...it's 4AM already?! Hmmm, that trip to the Zeta Reticuli binary star system  and back cost me valuable time, I got caught up at a party on the planet Serpo doing their version of Brazilian Samba, oh well, I had a friggin' ball! Anyway, as I'm parking my U.F.O. on the roof of my building I had the idea to do another blog specifically for my Pinksick™ Brand. Maybe not the most novel idea but let's see if it works. Listen, I'm a dope writer but as a " Blogger" AND "Twitterer" I suck! I just have to find out how to get all four (my writing,art, twitts and blogging) in the same bed together and creatively fuck the shit out of each other to create and experience something wonderful, something majestic and sexy for all this tiny planet to see! I know this time I can do it! Hey, it worked in college, maybe the same rules apply here in the Matrix! Wouldn't hurt...let's try it!

Anyway, let's examine...wait , no, scratch that! Fuck it, this blog will have no form. I'll put whatever I want up, say whatever I want and your gonna like it! But as a simple debriefing I'll touch on some, but not limited to...ummm, Art, other douche bags Art,some Design crap, things that inspire me, Fashion "thinga majigs", Japanese Anime hoopla, my foot fetish and quite possibly random things that make me want to say forget it, get in my U.F.O. and KILL ALL HUMANS!

So, I did this fantastic piece for Ms. Alicia Key's and it's all the rage in London, Berlin and Tokyo! Listen, If you haven't seen it you've been sleeping and if you have well look at it again, it's severely nut's! I left a copy on Serpo and they definitely fuck's with it! I sent it to Key's yesterday, she'll be more than thrilled when it arrives (She better or we are gonna have a problem). Again,this work of Art is pushing my style to other limits of Surrealism and Japanese Manga only I can do. Remember where you seen it first...damn I'm starving, time to eat,  Talk to ya'll later. Enjoy!